The challenge of the grocery store

It's taken me longer to write about what happened to me yesterday because I've been trying to process it all. I had to go to the grocery store to get toilet paper. Simple enough task, right? I wasn't hungry. I didn't need anything in terms of food. Just toilet paper. As I was walking down the main middle aisle to get to the section where the toilet paper is I passed the chips and dip aisle. I detoured and then a few minutes later found myself standing with tears in my eyes holding a jar of Lays Smooth Ranch Dip. Somehow in that exact moment the momentous struggle of everything was so ever present. I had an internal battle going on between the side of me that somehow right then decided I needed comfort when I got home and the side of me that so didn't want the comfort to be food because I want to lose the weight. The reaction was unexpected. After a few minutes, I put the jar back and, after pausing momentarily as I passed the new white cheddar cheese puffs, I managed to compose myself, get my toilet paper and leave the store. I have thought at length about yesterday. I know that I have been feeling a little stressed about money. I also have a 20th college reunion coming up in September that I can't seem to decide whether or not I want to go (I bet if I was thin I would want to go without hesitation). I thought about being called "Meatloaf Miller" and "Buffalo Butt" in 5th grade. I remembered that I was cross-bid during rush and didn't get into a sorority. I thought of all the parties I didn't get invited to in high school. I remember all the dates I didn't have and all the crushes I did that had no idea I was alive other than as the friend. All the times when I felt rejected, left out and unpopular somehow seemed to surface yesterday. I can't believe I actually cried in the car on the way home because I didn't get into a sorority. It's been 20 years for crying aloud! But, yesterday I somehow felt lonely and on the outskirts of popularity all over again. I am trying to let go of all those old, negative emotions. I can't change the past. I can't change that children can be cruel to each other. I can't change that I didn't fit a certain mold during school. But, I can change my weight. Each and every day that I make a smart decision about food, I am changing my life for the better.

I'm proud of myself for not eating the dip or the chips. I was glad today when I weighed and had undone some of the damage from Sunday. I have friends who love me. I have a husband who loves me. I have a family who loves me. I am blessed.

Changing daily in both body and mind,

Fat Girl