Not surprised but disappointed nonetheless

Well, I am not surprised but my overindulgence yesterday resulted in a 4 pounds weight gain. It never ceases to amaze me that it can take me one whole week to lose 5 pounds and 3 hours to gain 4 of them back! I am trying hard not to be discouraged at the moment but I definitely have a bit of a defeatist attitude this morning. I did get up and have a nutritional breakfast and my vitamins and now I have to hope that I don't let yesterday's backslide trigger a complete meltdown food-wise.

Off to work, keep busy and try not to ruminate over the weight gain,

Fat Girl

Party food and failure/setback #1

I have a close friend who lives in Washington and she has been visiting family in town this past week. Her visit happened to coincide with her daughter's first birthday so today there was a get together to celebrate. I'm sad to report that I ate like the fat girl that I am and not the thin girl I want to be. I indulged in chips, dip, queso and cheese and now I am sorry I did. I hate to admit it but I feel uneasy and a bit self conscious in certain social situations because of my weight. I put on a good front and am quite convincing at acting like I'm at ease but I'm not. I think I ate today because it comforted me. Of course, I don't feel very comforted at this moment. I feel bloated and sorry and mad at myself. Damn it! I probably undid a week of good work in a few hours. The lesson I need to take from this is that it didn't really make me feel better at the party and it certainly didn't make me feel comforted afterwards so next time I need to actually listen to my inner voice which was telling me I didn't really want to eat all that crap. Sigh.

Fell off wagon but I'm hoisting myself back on,

Fat Girl

P.S. I also just ate a candy bar which didn't help matters. It's all gone and there isn't anything else in the house so I think I'm safe for the rest of the night!

Bingo and bingo hall food

Tonight I'm going to play bingo. Previously when I would go play bingo, for dinner I would have a sausage with lots of mayonnaise and some nachos with a diet coke. I'm struggling tonight because I really want a sausage! I am going to take a snack with me so I'm not tempted but I'm having a hard time at the moment feeling like I'm going to be strong. I haven't played bingo about 6 weeks so it seems like I'm due for a delicious, juicy sausage, right? Right? I need to just be focused and that sausage will not further the mission - to be trim. I say trim because I don't think I'll ever be thin but I'd like to be curvily trim.

Bingo here I come and hopefully sausage I will resist!

Fat Girl

Better bad choices

My nutritionist, Angela, used to tell me that sometimes we need to evaluate our choices and make a better bad choice. So when I went to Zoës Kitchen today I didn't make the worst choice (the Greek pizza, the grilled feta or pimento cheese would have all been worse choices) but I didn't make the best choice either (the grilled chicken).

My lunch today:

GRUBEN grilled turkey, Swiss & spicy mustard topped with Zoës slaw on rye
PASTA SALAD pasta shells, diced tomatoes, basil & feta
BAKED LAYS
DIET COKE

I would estimate my caloric intake for lunch was above the alloted 325 calories (ya' think?) but I didn't eat that many calories for breakfast and I will make sure to be conservative on my in between meals and dinner.

All in all, I made a better bad choice today. Next time I need to make an even better choice - the grilled chicken!

Not totally happy with lunch choice but not disgusted with myself either,

Fat Girl

Real world eating

The last 2 days have been relatively easy to stay focused in terms of eating. I've been working from home and, other than healthful foods, there aren't any temptations in the house. Frankly I haven't been tempted at all which has been a nice because usually I am. It helps that I got rid of anything that could possibly lure me in. No more digging out the chocolate chips in the chocolate chip pancake mix just so I could have a little taste of chocolate!

Today I'm going to lunch with a couple of friends though and that means eating in the "real world." I don't know where we are going to eat but I know that staying on course is going to be a bit challenging. I usually go with the best intentions but then allow myself a little too much leeway in what I order.

I weighed this morning and had lost about 3 pounds and, while I know this is mostly water weight, it's at least a step in the right direction. I don't want to undo it. One psychological game I play with myself is thinking, "Well, I lost 3 pounds! I can have a treat!" or "Well, I didn't lose any weight so screw it, I'm going to have a treat!" I should only weigh once a week to help avoid some of that thinking but I couldn't help myself this morning. I just wanted to know if I had lost anything yet. I did and now I need to change my thinking so that I go to lunch with the attitude, "Well, I lost 3 pounds so don't screw it up!"

Hopefully I'll stay the course!

Lunch awaits,

Fat Girl

Quotation about food by George Bernard Shaw

I just read this quotation by George Bernard Shaw: "There is no sincerer love than the love of food." So true!!! I love and feel about food in a way unlike anything else. Even if I weren't an emotional eater, I simply LOVE food! Yesterday I read about a food critic for the NY Times who had to incorporate his love of food and eating for a living with maintaining a healthful lifestyle and body. He apparently has struggled with his weight but is now thin and healthy yet still eats delicious foods for a living (and pleasure too, I assume). I need to research his book more thoroughly because I think it's one I might find interesting and maybe he has a few good tips.

Got another day behind me and hopefully a little weight gone.

Until tomorrow,

Fat Girl

So far, so good

I had internet issues last night and couldn't post but I survived Day 1 and Day 2 is almost over. I have actually found that it hasn't been too terrible. I was so busy today that I didn't really have time too think much about eating or food. I'm starving right now though! I have been eating really cleanly and sticking to my plan with no deviations ... so far. I took vitamins yesterday and today (a 2-day record) so now I just have to keep it up! One aspect of healthful living that I have yet to integrate into my program .... drinking water.

W.C. Fields and I have similar thinking about drinking water:

• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
• I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
• I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
• You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

Maybe if it drank water out of one of these limited edition bottles by Evian somehow it would seem like more of a luxury than a necessity.

Evian Haute Couture and Evian Christian Lacroix

Maybe if I drank Bling H2O, one of most expensive waters in the world, somehow that would make it better!

Initially introduced only to "hand-selected athletes and actors," Bling H2O is now available to mere mortals. Of course, I wonder if the celebrities and athletes knew that the 12 bottles of water they paid $441 a case for actually came from Dandridge, Tennessee. I guess it's the Swarovski crystals on the frosted bottle that somehow merits paying $36.75 for a bottle.

If you have any interest in the most expensive bottled waters, Forbes Traveler wrote an article about fancy water that is costlier than wine. Fun to read but I think I'll pass on spending the money for fancy bottles of water. I need to save up for all the new clothes I'm going to need (hopefully)!

No, I think that no matter how fancy the bottle, water is still water to me. I'd rather have a diet coke but I need to be drinking the H2O. Maybe tomorrow I'll get a couple of glasses in ... maybe.

Surviving but hungry,

Fat Girl

Afternoon of the first day

I have a headache (probably psychosomatic) and I keep thinking I'm hungry. I'm actually not hungry. I'm hot and looking for a distraction because I need to buy shelves, clean house before my mom comes over tomorrow and get some writing done and I don't really feel like doing any of those things. I want to sit down in front of the t.v. with a great romantic comedy movie preferably starring Hugh Grant or Colin Firth (or both as in the case of Bridget Jones' Diary) and have some chips and dip and a really cold diet coke.

I think it's time for a snack - 14 raw cashews. Woo hoo! I also better get going if I'm going to get in 8 glasses of water. So far today I haven't had any water. I know it's so good for you but I love the fizz of carbonated drinks so much more! I can tell that water is going to be like fruit for me ... I'm going to have to learn to love them!

I've planned meatloaf and a green salad for dinner and I'm really looking forward to it!

Off to distract myself and try to be productive,

Fat Girl

Operation Fat Girl is a go: Day 1

Day 1. So, of course, I woke up this morning starving! I'm sure that having nothing but ice cream for dinner didn't help matters. When I went to the nutritionist last year, what I remember is that I should eat 5 small meals a day and that each meal should be about 325 calories. I'm looking for all my nutrition info but I have a few piles of papers around so I haven't quite put my hand on the info she gave me yet. When I find it, I will confirm what my caloric intake per meal should be but, for now, I'm going on that memory.

There are lots of online guides to help when you are trying to lose weight but I'm using My Fitness Pal to help track my food intake and exercise. According to My Fitness Pal, I should eat 1,680 calories a day to stay on track for losing 1 1/2 pounds a week. Of course, in my overachieving and unrealistic mind I'm thinking ... I should lose about 5 pounds a week. I am going to have to remind myself to be patient. I didn't get this way overnight and it's going to take a while to undo all the damage.

Anyway, 1,680 calories a day equals to 5 meals at 336 calories which jives with my nutritionist's guidelines. My Fitness Pal has a food diary and an exercise log so you can electronically monitor your progress. It also has a community section where you can get information and support. Best of all, the site is free! I also have a Weight Watchers account because I was on that program among the many that I have been on. I'm thinking of canceling it though because it's $12.95 a month. It amazes me what you can get online these days ... everything!

Breakfast: So far, I'm over my calories for breakfast (428 calories). I was thinking I was doing so well: an omelette with 2 egg whites and 1 whole egg, 1/4 cup shredded cheddar cheese (I just had to have a little cheese!), 3 Jimmy Dean turkey sausage links and 1/2 cup of cottage cheese. All much better than my usual breakfast: none. If I cut the cottage cheese tomorrow, I will be right on target (338). Maybe a little less cheese wouldn't hurt either. ;)

Vitamins: I find it amazing that I remembered to take birth control every day for 20 years but, for years, I haven't been able to remember to take a daily vitamin. I have thrown away so many vitamins and pre-natal vitamins because they expired. What a complete waste of money! But, today I remembered! They made me feel a little nauseous but that feeling has passed.

I've weighed, marked it in my weight goal diary and now I am going to take my measurements. First day and one meal down. Only 4 more to go.

By the way, don't worry. I'm not going to detail each and every meal every day for the duration of this journey. I just am a bit obsessed at the moment.

I can do this!

Fat Girl

Countdown to Operation Fat Girl: tomorrow

My ideas for my 3 last "good" meals were totally thwarted! My brother cancelled breakfast plans with me so I didn't get my chocolate chip pancakes. My husband brought me lunch from Taco Cabana and it was inedible. I didn't have anyone to go to dinner with so all I had for dinner was Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. The entire pint. Delicious but not what I had in mind for my "last" meal. I went to the grocery store and bought lots of healthful foods for the week. I hope that I'm not too grumpy in the upcoming days. I want this process to be one that leads me to a healthier, happier, prettier, less self-conscious and truer me. I'm scared that I will fail again. I've tried so many different diets, plans, ideas and I have failed at all of them. I hired a nutritionist and had a trainer for 2 years and still failed. I intellectually know what to do to be successful but I sabotage myself. I'm working to get to the reasons behind that but I'm hoping this time that I have worked through enough to start moving in the right direction. Tomorrow is also my official weigh in and I will also take measurements and a picture.

Sweet dreams (I'll probably be dreaming of queso!),

Fat Girl

Countdown to Operation Fat Girl: 1 day and 3 meals left

For dinner I had one of my favorite fast food dinners: Sonic chili cheese hot dogs (2) and chili cheese tots. I had no idea how many calories were in this meal nor did I have any clue about the sodium and carb count. Yikes!!!! Even if I have a cheat day, this meal is definitely not on the menu for Operation Fat Girl!!!!

TOTAL MEAL:

Calories: 2424
Fat: 976
Sodium: 5438 mg
Carbohydrates: 273 g
Fiber: 13 g
Protein: 68 g

I'm not even in the regime yet and I have remorse for this meal. I can't believe what I just ate. Ugh!

As my mom and I used to say, "Tomorrow is my last day to eat!"

Until tomorrow,

Fat Girl

Countdown to Operation Fat Girl: 2 days and 4 meals left

Today for lunch I met my husband at Zoës Kitchen. I almost always order the same thing: the chicken salad sampler. It is chicken salad served with Zoës slaw, pasta salad, cucumber, tomato on a bed of lettuce with Zoës dressing and pita bread. It also comes with potato salad but I usually substitute the pimento cheese. Although this might still be an option for a special treat, this definitely will have to be taken off my weekly lunch rotation once Operation Fat Girl is in full force. I have to admit that when I haven't had it for awhile it tastes better to me so maybe a vacation from it will make me appreciate it even more. Hope tonight's dinner is better than last night's which was buttered popcorn with nacho cheese and ranch seasoning on top and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with fudge shell (and lots of it). Anyway, 2 days and 4 meals left until Operation Fat Girl is launched. I'm starting to get a little bit excited.

Until dinner,

Fat Girl

Countdown to Operation Fat Girl: 3 days and 7 meals left

Today I took some friends to the airport and because I hadn't eaten anything yet I was starving. On the way back, I stopped at Jack in the Box and got the new Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwich combination. This was 3 mini chicken sandwiches - each with a mini all white meat homestyle chicken filet, creamy ranch, and Frank's® RedHot® Sauce and a small natural cut french fries.

Here is the nutritional information for this fast food indulgence:

TOTAL:
Calories: 1032
Total fat: 42 g
Sodium: 2418 mg
Carbohydrates: 127 g
Dietary fiber: 7 g
Protein: 35 g

Mini Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwiches

Calories: 738
Total fat: 27 g
Sodium: 1877 mg
Carbohydrates: 92 g
Dietary fiber: 3 g
Protein: 31 g

Natural cut fries (small)
Calories: 294
Total fat: 15 g
Sodium: 541 mg
Carbohydrates: 35 g
Dietary fiber: 4 g
Protein: 4 g

Were they worth the calories and fat? Well, today they were but, if I were being diligent and really watching what I was eating, frankly, not really. For 1000+ calories, I could have had a lot more food. Maybe something with cheese on it. I LOVE cheese! Working cheese into a healthy eating plan will be one of the most challenging things because I really adore cheese. Throughout this process, I suspect cheese will be a major topic of discussion and consideration.

Anyway, 3 days and 7 meals left until the launching of Operation Fat Girl.

Wonder what's for dinner?

Fat Girl

I'll start my diet on Monday

I'll start my diet on Monday. How many times have you said this to yourself? I've said it too many times to count. Today I said to my husband that I was going to start my new weight loss efforts on Monday and he asked me why I was waiting because I could start tomorrow. I could but I'm not going to and I'll tell you why.

I have decided to go on a mission: Operation Fat Girl. Operation Fat Girl is like a military mission only it's my weight loss mission. Missions take planning. I'm going to make my list of reasons why I want to lose weight, plan the menu for next week, go to the grocery store and get healthful foods to keep as snacks and to cook next week and go through the pantry and refrigerator and throw out or donate everything that isn't on the new regime. I obviously can't do it all by tomorrow so I've decided to start on Monday. Oh and let's be honest! I want to eat myself into oblivion before Monday!

I have a long journey ahead of me. I don't know what my official weight is but I know about what it is. Even my husband doesn't know this information. Yet. It's embarrassing and humiliating to admit it. I don't know if I can do it. I've tried so many times before and, although I've had some successes in the past, I've also failed many times too. I really want this time to be different. I do. I just need to wrap my mind around everything and get truly committed.

My goal is to lose between 130 and 150 pounds. Yikes! Most of my friends don't even weigh as much as I want to lose. Why do I want to lose weight? There are so many reasons and I will share those later but the single most important driving factor for me at this point is that I am 41 years old (almost 42) and I want to have a baby. Time is running out ... rapidly. I'm worried that if I try to get pregnant (if I can even get pregnant at my "advanced maternal age") that I will not be healthy and, more importantly, that the baby would not be healthy.

I'm already panicking. I just don't see how I'm going to do it. Well, my husband has arrived home and I have to admit that I had hoped he would read my mind and stop on the way home to bring me a chocolate shake. See! This is the kind of thinking, hoping and actions that have gotten me to this point: obese.

My mission should I chose to accept it: to be a formerly fat girl unafraid to try things or do things because of my weight.

Until tomorrow,

Fat Girl